You only want what you can't have
by allofnothingness
Summary: this is a somewhat of a quincest, I'm not sure if it will change or not. during a tegan and sara tour,starting around nov. 2009
1. Chapter 1

_My friends and family all know that something is wrong. They've noticed how much quieter I've gotten on stage, the bagginess of my clothes, and the long bangs hiding my face. My mother frequently calls me wanting to know how I'm feeling, asking questions that I know for a fact she will psychoanalyze later on. I understand that she loves me and all she wants to do is find out what's wrong so she can help, but this is something that her plus 10 years of counseling experience will not be able to fix. But what she does tell me every time I see her is how insecure I've become. I never talk about how I'm feeling to my mother anymore, but studying and analyzing appearances to conclude someone's character is part of what she does in her job. It would be an insult to my mom's intelligence to lie so all I do when she confronts me about my insecurity is just quietly reply, "I just have some stuff that I need to figure out." _

_ My fans have also noticed the changes in my demeanor, and they have page after page after page of reasons posted online of why I would have changed so abruptly. From their limited knowledge, most of them blame Emy Storey, my ex wife. What they don't realize was that she's one of my closest friends, and I happily hooked her up with Kate Cooper of the band An Horse after our relationship ended. No no no, this change that happened with me is far more complicated that the end of a 5 year relationship. No, this far surpassed that breakup; hell this would probably surpass me getting pregnant. This is saying a lot seeing that I've dated women since the age of 14 and I am almost turning thirty. Well, I'll tell you the reason; I've got nothing to lose in telling you. The reason that I've changed so drastically in the last couple of months is because I am so deeply, madly in fucking love with the most amazing woman out there. But I can't have her. She is so out of my league, this girl is forbidden to touch and it's hurting me more and more every day. Her name is –_

My notebook is torn from my hands, and startled, I look up to see who it was. My eyes widen and I shoot up from my position on the couch in the hotel room while ripping the buds connected to my iPod from my ears. I extend my hand towards her and state, "Please give me back my notebook."

She smirks. "Why, what do you have in here?"

"None of your business, now please hand me the notebook." I reply tersely. That notebook is filled with my most private thoughts, things I tell no one. Things she must not know about.

She grins and begins to saunter away with my notebook in hand, and replies "what if I don't want to give it back?"

Something inside me snaps, and I grab her roughly from her shoulders and slam her into the wall. She hits the wall with a loud thud, her face a mere inches from mine no longer sporting a confident grin, but a scared and confused look instead.

"I'm not going to ask again," I growl, my hazel eyes burning deeply into her own.

Without a word, she hands me the black spiral notebook, and I release her. I sit on my hotel bed with my head in my hands and the notebook on my lap.

"You need to get your shit figured out, you're hurting a lot of people whether you realize it or not. I'm going to go downstairs to the diner and get some dinner….you can come join me after you calm down." I don't look up as my forbidden love walks out.

After a few seconds pass by, I release a shaky breath and pick up my pen and notebook.

_She is so out of my league, this girl is forbidden to touch and it's hurting me more and more every day. Her name is Tegan Rain Quin. My name is Sara Kiersten Quin, and I am in love with my sister._

I stare at the last sentence for who knows how long. Thinking of what we could have been had we not been sisters. What we could have had. What we won't have. I snap the notebook shut, set it on the bed and walk out of my hotel room.


	2. How this happened

Hey guys, sorry it took such a long time to update! Is was partly due to school and finals but also because I wasn't quite sure on how to approach this story. Well here's the new chapter.

* * *

When I reach the hotel lobby, I don't even glance inside the diner as I pass by it. It's too complicated and far too painful to maintain any healthy contact with Tegan. _My sister. _I sigh and

push past the main doors out into the cold night. I don't really pay much attention to where I am heading; I only know that I have to get away for a couple of hours.

As I walk along the long strip, I observe with sad eyes couples getting out of cars, holding hands and walking into restaurants to enjoy a casual meal. _If only…_

I tear my eyes away from the couples, pull my jacket tighter to my body and focus on avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk. _Left, right, left, right, shit I almost hit that crack! Left, right, left… _I

continue my journey along the street focusing on my monotonous steps. _Left, right, left, right… _My mind starts to wander, and I begin recounting how reckless Tegan was when we were

young and used to play this game. We'd run out to the sidewalk and she's break out into a sprint, challenging me to keep up and avoid all the cracks. She always beat me. That is until one

day she tripped over her shoelace when we were 10 and she broke her arm.

_Tegan…_

There is a deep shame tangled into my very being for having fallen in love with my sister. I don't even understand **how **on earth this ended up happening since I had **never **had anything

other than sisterly thoughts about Tegan. Until last year on one of our few vacation days in Florida…

_(Last year)_

_It was a hot summer day and Tegan and I had decided to go rollerblade down the crossing across the street from our hotel. I pulled on a sleeveless white shirt and some black semi loose Capri's. I _

_grabbed my wallet and sunglasses along with my hotel card from the top of the old television set and walked down to the main entrance to wait for Tegan. _

_A few minutes later she walks out the elevator wearing loose jeans and a sleeveless black t shirt and begins walking towards me in a confident, borderline cocky manner. I shoot her a grin and we fall in step as we step out of the hotel into the blinding Florida sun and we begin walking towards the skate renting center. "Shit" I hear her mutter as we step out of and out of the corner of my eye, I see her patting her jean pockets._

"_Let me guess, you forgot your wallet in the hotel", I state with a smirk on my face. It grows when Tegan sheepishly nods her head. "Its okay grandma, I'll pay for the both of us, it's not your fault _

_you're getting Alzheimer in your old age." I tease her as we reach the booth. "Shut up," she mutters as she leans against the booth counter and watches me pay. _

_The man hands us our skates and we strap them on and head down the street. Tegan is skating ahead of me since I'm trying to skate without losing my balance. I take small short steps forward and after a couple of shuffles without falling, I grin proudly and confidently begin skating towards Tegan, who has stopped skating and is now watching me with an amused look. "Seriously, Sara? You've been ice skating since you were 5 yet you can barely roller blade without losing you're balance? How is that even possible?"_

"_I have other things going for me," I reply shrugging my shoulders and begin skating once again._

"_Yeah, like falling on your ass..." I hear Tegan mutter from behind me. Okay. Payback time._

_Quickly spinning around, I latch onto Tegan's waist and twist her so she loses her balance and she begins to fall towards the grass next to the sidewalk. Win! I think in my head, but my triumph _

_turns into alarm as I realize that Tegan has now grabbed my arm and is pulling me down with her as she falls. _Shit! _I think to myself right before I too lose my balance and end up falling on top of_

_ Tegan. We land with an oomph and a second later I hear Tegan giggling. Propping myself up on my elbows I look down at her questioningly and she says, "Well then, looks like your plan backfired,_

_ hey?" and bursts out laughing._

That was it. In that moment as she lay under me laughing, I truly saw her as the beautiful happy being she is. Her beautiful face that was scrunched up with laughter and happiness hit me

like a sledgehammer and in that moment, all I wanted to do was lean my head down and capture her lips with mine. Of course I freaked out and scrambled off of her. After that moment my

feeling grew stronger for her but I shoved them down. I continuously catch myself looking at her, admiring her, but then I leave soon after I realize what I'm doing. I keep hoping that

maybe if I avoid her enough, my feelings will go away. All I'm left with is an ache in my chest and guilt, since our relationship is rocky right now. It feels like we're going back into the stage

where we beat the crap out of each other or we scream until our voices are hoarse.

And it's all my fault.

**SCREEECH!**

**HONK!**

**CRASH!**

Now I feel darkness envelope me.

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review please! Tell me if you guys like this approach or not!


	3. Wait what?

It's a miracle, she finally updated! I've had a lack of interest in this story, but I dunno, I can feel the cobwebs clearing a bit out of my brain.

It's short, but I'll make the next chapter longer.

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**Jordan's POV**

I give up! I GIVE UP! I've been trying to get this girl to go out on a date with me for 5 months and when she finally says yes, she ends up not showing up! At least give me the courtesy of a

call or even a text message rather than making me sit in the restaurant for two hours feeling like a fool! Looking around in hopes that I'll see her rushing in apologies ready, half out of her

coat, I am sorely disappointed when the only person that walks through is a lumpy middle aged woman. Whatever, I'll get over it. Sighing, I throw some money on the white table top,

drain the rest of my wine and begin to head out.

I pull on my gray coat as I wait for the entrance to clear out. I'm pulling my long black hair out of the back when I catch sight of a very attractive woman walking down the street, seemingly

lost in thought. She's wearing dark jeans and a hoodie a bit too large for her thin frame. Crinkling my nose, I notice she is wearing mustard yellow ankle boots and- oh great I lost sight of

the hot chick! Slipping past a couple (okay I kind of pushed my way through but seriously, why stand in the middle of an exit?) I step onto the street and begin my search. Oh geez I feel

like a stalker but that chick was seriously hot! She couldn't have gone that far… wait, mustard boots! Making my way towards her, I notice she isn't stopping at the end of the sidewalk.

"Hey lady, it's a green light don-" my thought are cut short as I see a red sedan speeding towards her. Without hesitation, I dart forward, grab the back of her jacket and tug her back as

hard as I can.

**SCREEECH!**

**HONK!**

**CRASH!**

Oh.

Damn.


End file.
